Posted: March 4, 2013 | Author: ariel1212 | Filed under: Dating, Glasgow, Online Dating, Uncategorized | Tags: clown, dating, Glasgow, Guardian Soulmates, internet dating |
What’s the etiquette in a one-night stand? I’d never had one so was a bit flummoxed the morning after.
The Clown had been thoughtful enough to set his radio alarm clock for me but, once The Today Programme clicked on, I was on my own. He’d reached over, scratched at my back, then rolled away into sleep again.
He obviously wasn’t getting up to make me a coffee or see me off. But should he? What are the rules here? I shrugged to myself, thinking I’ve shamelessly thrown myself at this man so all thought of ‘etiquette’ is long gone.
It was awkward, creeping around in the Clown’s silent flat. I’d prefer to have just unlocked the door and slipped out but I couldn’t find my coat. He’d thrown it somewhere last night. I had to go back into the bedroom and shake the slumbering oaf awake to ask where it was.
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Posted: February 25, 2013 | Author: ariel1212 | Filed under: Dating, Glasgow, Online Dating | Tags: clown, dating, Glasgow, Guardian Soulmates, internet dating |
I told my sister, Jenben, I was going to The Clown’s flat so there’d be a witness should I never return.
There’d been too many Crimewatch reconstructions where I’d shout at the screen ‘don’t go down that alley! Of course there’s a murderer there!’ I could just see my Clown demise re-enacted on the BBC with people discussing it on Twitter the next day: So she met this evil Clown online, yet still went willingly to his flat? Was she mad?
I was due at his flat for dinner at 8. At 8.35 I was still pacing the floorboards at home, knitting my fingers together. I texted Jenben, I can’t go.
She texted back right away, Julie you’re going to ruin this.
Posted: February 11, 2013 | Author: ariel1212 | Filed under: Dating, Online Dating | Tags: circus, clown, dating, Guardian Soulmates, internet dating, Online dating |
The Chief was dishing out tough advice. ‘I’m bored hearing about The Clown. Put an end to it, before I do you in.’
‘Put an end to it how?’
‘Just say ‘Is it yes or no. If it’s no, then f**k off, Coco.’’
‘He’s not called Coco,’ I grumbled.
‘Mr Chuckles then, or whatever this total and utter d**k is called. Either get him or move on.’
‘He’s busy. He can’t just drop everything because I want to pin him down.’
‘Rubbish! What’s a clown got to be busy about?’
I shrugged. ‘Juggling.’
‘Then you need to ask if you can put up with a man who devotes so much time to playing with his balls.’
‘I’m just worried,’ I told him ‘that he’ll pull out at the last minute.’
‘Why, he’s not Catholic is he?’
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Posted: February 4, 2013 | Author: ariel1212 | Filed under: Dating, Glasgow, Online Dating | Tags: clown, dating, Glasgow, Guardian Soulmates, internet dating, Online dating |
‘You think I’m a zombie! Why won’t you help me? Miss McDowall, use your powers to help me.’
I’d been on the phone to one of my clients for the past 50 minutes. She sobbed and raged and swore at me. I finally managed to hang up. My palms were wet with sweat and my tongue was oozing blood where I’d bitten it. I could cry. I could walk out. Just resign. I’ll go on the dole. I don’t care.
Gary appeared at my desk. ‘I’ve got xxxx wanting to speak to you. He’s going mental. Says you never answer your phone.’
I nearly spat at Gary. ‘I’ve been on the phone all morning to some crazy bitch who thinks she’s a zombie! I can’t speak to all of them!’
‘Calm yourself, woman. What do you want me to tell him?’
‘I’ll speak to him,’ I said through gritted teeth.
The phone rang and Gary put the latest nutcase through. He was screaming at me before I’d even lifted the handset to my ear. ‘I will complain about you to the highest possible level! Now, listen. Are you there? Are you listening?’
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Posted: January 18, 2013 | Author: ariel1212 | Filed under: Dating, Online Dating | Tags: clown, dating, first date, Guardian Soulmates, internet dating, Online dating |
So I’m waiting. Waiting for The Clown to get back to Glasgow and meet me for the tantalising ‘glass of red’ he keeps promising.
Until then, I climb the walls, I gnaw my nails, I count the days. I’m kept in a constant state of readiness . He could text me in a moment to announce he’s back. He’s here. Come on, saucy, get your coat! Or he could fall mute for months: cold and unobtainable in the frozen north. There’s no way of knowing when he’ll pounce. No way of knowing why I endure this and why I adore him.
He’s always on my mind, so much so that when I catch myself not thinking of him my mind sags with relief, released from the terrible torture of The Clown. My mental energy is constantly stretched tight and tensed, like an elastic band, on thoughts of him and when the real world intrudes, as it often has to, the elastic relaxes, and I can relax with it, only to be stretched and taut with Clown thoughts once again. It’s exhausting.
And he keeps up the suspense. He sends me tormenting texts every few days, just to keep me on my toes. Or on my knees. He knows very well what he’s doing. I’ve just never been able to work out why he’s doing it.
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Posted: January 3, 2013 | Author: ariel1212 | Filed under: Dating, Glasgow, Online Dating | Tags: circus, clown, dating, Glasgow, Guardian Soulmates, internet dating, Online dating, trapeze |
I can never see the future. I don’t mean fiddling with tarot cards and crystal balls. Rather, when a relationship ends, I can never imagine moving on, and meeting someone else.
I always do get over it, of course. We all do, even though we may be changed and a bit exhausted. So I know the moping stage will pass and someone else will come along but, at the time, I just cannot imagine it.
I’ve thought of writing a letter to myself, to be opened six months in the future, saying ‘Look moron, I told you this would pass. What were you crying over him for?’ I could then tuck it away in a drawer, knowing that when the time came to open it, I’d be miles removed from the grizzled, miserable sop I am now.So, although I chose to break up with Shug, I couldn’t help missing him but at least I was able to pin-point what I was missing: not his sulks or his prima donna behaviour, but the whirlwind of activity he brought with him.
My natural state, I hate to say it, seems to be depression. I find it all too easy to slump in a chair and stare at the wall, slowly starting to hate myself. Shug banished all this with his mid-life mania and pulled me along with him. And suddenly, it has all stopped.
In this flimsy emotional state, we began e-mailing each other.
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Caligula Would Have Blushed 